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NC - Kickassia
(We travel thought space as NC speaks) NC:(vo) Beyond imagination, beyond the understanding of time, beyond all thought that man has ever conjured up, there is the mysterious realm of the Plot Hole. (The Plot Hole appears and the screen fades to white to NC in his hotel room) NC (looking tired): As you can see, this purgatory of hell has had quite an impact on me. I haven't bathed. I haven't cut my hair. I haven't even shaven. This horrifying realm can only do so much to a man before it wears him sane. I hope you all appreciate the sacrifice I made for you. (Someone serves him a glass in a tray) Male Maid: Your red cherry cupcake vodka, Sir. NC: (gets the glass, speaks softy) Thank you, Carl. (Hotel music plays as the rest of the room is showed) NC: (vo) Okay, so the Plot Hole is not that bad. NC: I dare even argue it's kinda pleasant. NC: (vo)There's a cable TV, HBO, a king size bed. NC: The sofa's a bit tacky but what you gonna do. And I also know that a lot of you seem to think that I was a muppet when in the Plot Hole. ... That was just a phase. Doesn't everyone go through that. ... Just me. Okay. Well bottom-line, I'm here and it's pretty tough to do reviews when you're a Plot Hole. Especially your memory, I do find I get certain things backwards sometimes. But when you get down to in, I am still the essential sane person that I always was and I still have a good recollection of all my favorite people. Such as... NC: (vo) Linkara (shows a picture of Todd), Todd (a picture of Linkara), Stinky (a picture of Nchick), Dopey (a picture of Lupa), Doc (a picture of Justin Bieber). NC: So that's pretty much intact. However, (puts the glass down) I have come across someone who is trying to do something very similar to what I have tried to do. An internet celebrity reviewing things for a mere 4 to 5 years. Pffft, what a loser. Well, I'm here to expose this fraud for the...fraud that he is. That's right, I'm here to talk about his cinematic lack of an opus, Kickassia. (The title of Kickassia is shown, along with clips from the movie) NC: (vo) Written, directed and starring some guy named the Nostalgia Cricket, he come up with an ingenious plan. "Here's an idea. Take a ton of internet critics that do nothing but make fun of movies and have them make a movie everyone else can make fun of. Yeah, I can't see this backfiring at all." NC: Is it an embarassment? laughs Oh, you have no idea. So let's see the fruit of the internet's poorly put together launs, this is Kickassia. NC: (vo) So we get a quick history of a little speck of land called Molossia. Voiceover: It is run by a man named Kevin Baugh. But through a strange loophole, it is technically considered... a nation. NC: (vo) You know, this opening is looking a little familiar. I know! (Shows the opening to Castlevania) NC: (vo) So this douche sandwich called the Nostalgia Cricket, comes along and said he wants to take over Baugh's acre of land. Why? NC: Because two acres would have been out of the budget. NC: (vo) He calls up all of his fellow reviewers in a bit that probably goes on too long. Phelous: Uhhh, Yeah... what does "It's time" mean? NC: Get on the wagon, Phelous! It's the takeover of Molossia! NChick: Hey... yeah, what's this "It's time" thing you're talking about? NC (surprised): Don't you know?! Nchick: No. NC: (holding a remote) ...and comedy insues. Next. (He press it to fast-forward the phone scene) NC: (vo) He gets them all in a hotel room where he explains his plan. Linkara: But it's only an acre of land! What can we do with an acre of land?! NC: You know, there's another group of people that thought like you, Linkara. There were called NAZIS! (shouting) Are you a Nazi, Linkara?! Linkara: No! NC: Cause I don't want any Nazis around here! Linkara(shouting): No! I'm not a Nazi! NC(calmly): Now let me tell you about a group of people that didn't give up. They were called Nazis! NC: (vo) Hey look, it's that joke that everyone thought would destroy the internet but now nobody gives a shit about it. NC: So what are you people? A Nazi? (everyone groans) OR NAZIS! (Everyone cheers wildly.) NC: (vo) Yes, let it be known that nazis are not funny. Despite that fact that they make Jewish comedians rich, won a dick ton of awards, and make what is considered one of the greatest film comedies and Broadway musicals of all time. NC: But asides from that, (makes a shame sign) shame! NC: (vo) So they attack Kevin Baugh, who has... clearly too good a sense of humor, but is able to defend himself by, oh gee I don't know, defending himself. (Everyone runs toward Molossia, yelling. As soon as the group reaches the house, Kevin reveals a machine gun. The group's running charge is now a terrified, screaming retreat.) NC: (vo) So they try again, but this time they start loading up. NC: Angry Joe, get your MP5's! Linkara, get your magic gun! Benzaie, start wrapping Beary in explosives! NC: (vo) But not before this bit of confusing-ness. NC: You know, Spoony, you would really help the team out if you were to…well…you know. Spoony: *turning his head slightly, voice cracking* Summon him? NC: It would be just this once, Spoony. Just this once and you can go back to normal. NC (imitating...well himself): And maybe then, I could stop doing my Batman impression. Where are they?! Spoony: *turns around suddenly* NORMAL?! There’s no normal. I don’t even know what normal is anymore. NC: Sometimes we all need to give in to the madness. *Spoony then looks nervous as NC walks out of the room, his eyes turning toward the camera in horror as the door shuts.* NC: (vo) Yeah, he's off to go get your Razzie Award. Alright, so the next morning, they get dressed up in their battle gear and they let loose on Molossia. NC: CHARGE! (Everyone charges into battle as Baugh looks on. He presses buttons on his iPhone to set off a series of mines. ) NC(sarcastically): Look out! He has a demo version of After Effects! NC: (vo) But unfortunately, Kevin Baugh has...a wooden cannon? (He shoots the cannon as LordKat, Phelous, Brad and Spoony dodge.) NC: (vo) Oh correction, a wooden cannon that fires pixiled energy balls from Megaman. (Yanki J swings his baseball bat, deflecting a cannonball and Baugh then ducks. This scene is added with video game sounds) NC: (vo) But the team breaks through, which leads to the only convincing relationship in the entire movie. (Benzaie gets ready to throw Beary.) Benzaie: This is it, Beary! At least you're dying for a good cause! Beary: It was an honor to serve you, mon ami! (Benzaie hugs Beary.) NC: (vo) Yes, it's sad to see a Frenchman part with a bear he said a few minutes ago he'd gladly sacrifice. (Starts to throw him when the grenades goes off.) Beary: Ow. NC: (vo) But we see that Kevin Baugh has in fact upgraded from after-effects to Photoshop style lens flares. (Baugh uses his sword to teleport around the area.) NC: *spots him.* HEY! (Baugh teleports again as the team tries to get to him) NC: (vo) This unexpected effect apparently is so threatening that it scares Phelous to hide behind the shed (points him with a green arrow) and then awkwardly enough, disappear in the next shot. NC: Maybe Canadians are just really fast runners. NC: (vo) This leads to Lee, the guy whose always in a still picture, finally turning 3-dimensions. Lee: Don't get me angry! You wouldn't like me when I'm angry! NC: (vo) Ah yes, Bruce Banner when he says that line always turns into a giant green monster of death, with this guy...he can now move his arms. (Lee gets angry and changes into 3D Lee.) Spoony: WOAH! It's 3D LEE! NC: (vo) Fitting enough I guess, Lee actually has the strength of the Hulk now too, as he beats the shit out of Baugh and forces him to retreat. He puts on a disguise, that doesn't really fool them but he says that they won, so they don't care. And a new government is formed in the renamed nation of Kickassia. NC: My friends, this is indeed a great day. We have given birth to a new nation! (Everyone cheers!) NC: (vo) Let's celebrate by putting our arms around Nostalgia Chick, taking them off and then putting them back on in the next shot just to take them off again. In a scene that anyone with an attention span would say goes on forever, we see what all the new members of Kickassia do. And I mean ALL of them. The round guy (LordKat), Smurf-hair (Marzgurl), Puerto Rican Carlton (AngryJoe), Pepe le Pew (Benzaie), and an obnoxious political knock-off. NChick *speaking like Sarah Palin*: Well, he is a maverick to say the least. No matter what his decision might be, and whatever we disagree on. I still stand right by him. NC: Yes, we've seen all seen the impressions. We all made fun of her before. But I'm sorry, it's not fair. Michelle Obama is a lovely lady. She gets no credit. NC: (vo) But no self-indulgent trite would be complete without the papa bear of self-indulgent trite, the Nostalgia Cricket. Chris Larios: Mr. Critic, would you say your diabolical plan is to take over the world? NC: *dramatic turn* NATURALLY! Chris Larios: Well, then would you say your plan is to one day conquer the galaxy? NC: *dramatic turn* EVENTUALLY! Chris Larios: Say, Critic, do you get a lot of pussy with that outfit? NC: *dramatic turn* OF COURSE! Chris Larios: Thank you. NC: (vo) Still not letting that meme die, huh? Don't worry, in a few years, I'm sure this would go the route of the Numa Numa Kid and the Dramatic Gopher. NC: Don't remember those videos? My point exactly. NC: (vo) But it turns out most of his time is spent just sitting around watching Hogan's Heroes. Probably trying to figure out how they could make lame Nazi jokes back then without people going ape-shit. NC: All those in favor say AYE! AYE! Motion passes. Go away. NC: (vo) But a conveniently forced plot thread taps them on the foot and it appears to be a receipt for 20 tons of dynamite ordered by who? Linkara: *looks over receipt/paper* The Nostalgia Critic. NC: (gasps loudly) Wait, why is that a big deal? NC: (vo) Wasn't Molossia covered in explosives before anyway? Could he just be boosting up security even more? You know, like in real cannons instead of wooden ones? NC: Doesn't this actually make pure logical sense? Actually in this movie, that is a reason to panic. NC: (vo) Joe tries to tell Cinema Snob about what they found as we see the Vice President is not all she seems. NChick: How 'bout I make you some tea there, Mr. President? NC *talking normally*: Why, yes, Mrs. Vice President. That'd be wonderful. NC: (vo) Whoa?! Is that just a term or was there an off-screen wedding ceremony we missed? NC: I heard of Vegas weddings but Reno weddings? NC: (vo) The poison doesn't work, thanks to the power of stupidity, but that just allows the rest of the team to plot their own way of axing him off. Angry Joe: A whole lot of shit is going down, Snob. NC: (vo) Fortunately, Cinema Snob seems to be on the Cricket's side. So, he delicately breaks the news. Snob: Everybody thinks you're nuts. NC: About as subtle as a guy who reviews porn would be. NC: (vo) But he quickly finds out that crazy plans are often lead by crazy people. NC: (in a creepy tone of voice) Discover that the world is filled with nasty wasties, and a lot of those nasty wasties want what I got. So, if any of them tried to take away what I have. I'm not afraid to go down with the ship and take *everybody* with me. NC: (vo) Wow, his acting coach Ren Hoek must be so proud of him. NC (imitating Ren): (curling his hands and swaying right to left) It is not I who am crazy, it is I who am mad! NC: Insert another crowded hotel room scene because Lord knows we haven't seem enough of those. And we see that loyal lackey Film Brain has been listening the whole time. Film Brain: *hurriedly* And they were talking about killing you! And they were talking about different ways of killing you! And the Cinema Snob was like, "It's my plan so I'll kill him!" So I RAN back here as fast as I could, but they SAW me... so SUPERMAN broke in.... NC: (in fast robotic voice) This is the micro-machine man here, and I'm going to tell you about this evil plan right here. I'm going to tell you about how all these people over here are trying to take you, and they're trying to sabotage you, and are going to try and take you down. You better buy it, 'cause remember, if it's not micro machine- (in normal voice)- it's not the real thing. NC: (vo) So they arrest Snob and kick him out of the country, resulting in what I'm sure is the ONLY use of Vagner we'll ever see in any of the anniversary specials. NC: Go! May the harshness of this world have no mercy on your soul! (Cinema Snob continues to walk away) NC: (vo) Man, not since I reached into my pocket thinking I had a 20 when really it was just a gum wrapper, have I been so emotionally moved. He goes into his room and finds that somebody has redesigned it to look like his old reviewing headquarters. And that someone is....M. Night Shyamalan. NC: Ma-ti? NC: Or Ma-ti. That works too. Thus, they have a competition. How many times can someone say "Damn it, Ma-ti." versus how many times can someone do a Conehead impression? NC: Damn it, Ma-Ti! Ma-Ti: It's totally going to backfire! NC: Damn it, Ma-Ti! Ma-Ti: But at what cost? NC: Damn it, Ma-Ti! Ma-Ti: Are you willing to let down the people that got you here? NC: Damn it, Ma-Ti! Ma-Ti: ...and not an assmuncher! NC: Damn IT! Ma-Ti! Ma-Ti: You cannot change your destiny! You can only choose to meet it! NC: Yeah I'm sure that's the last of the planet sweeps I'm gonna hear any specials to. NC: (vo) So the rest of the group figures the only way to stop their fearless leader is to send in Spoony as Dr. Insano. Oh thank God, we could use some mugging in this movie. Angry Joe: Give into the madness, Spoony. Deep down inside you know who you truly are. Spoony: No! I... I won't be able to! (dramatically turns to bury his face in the curtains) NC: Oh Jesus, is he literally chewing the scenery? I think even the curtains credited themselves as Alan Smittee in this scene. Spoony: Alright... I'll give into the madness. NC: (vo) So he goes through a transformation, that make Sailor Moon's look like a minor headache. And we see him turn into the evil Dr. Insano. And what's this evil genius going to do? NC: Well, I'm sure he's gonna build some gigantic bomb or put together some diabolical poison to destroy him with or... (Insano punches the Critic on the back of the head and he falls over.) NC: (vo) ...Donkey punch him and throw down Wrestlermania? (Insano and Critic exchange punches and continue to fight each other) NC: Umm, was Insano always known as a fighter? Did he get into fistacuffs often? NC: (vo) Well, I guess he must have because they wouldn't throw him into hand-to-hand combat just to lose. So then what happens? They throw him into hand-to-hand combat so he could lose. NC: Oh for God's sakes, can someone just go beep beep every single time a plan fails? NC: (vo) But hey, this is a Channel Awesome production. Aren't there any pointless cameos in the future? I mean, asides from the fact that this whole thing is a collection of pointless cameos when get down to it. (Santa Christ comes in, laughing jollily. The NC screams and turns, shooting him dead on. Santa Christ stops, holding his chest in surprise. Everyone looks shocked and sad. '') NC: Well, that's one less running joke we can cross off the reviewers list. '''NC': Wait a minute. (Everyone looks at the NC.) NC: Isn't Santa Christ made out of the hopes and dreams of people everywhere? NC: (vo) I thought he was made out of the need to insult several religions at once. NC: Come on, people. Let's show what it truly means to believe. NC: (vo) Soooo, whatever story we were going with before, has suddenly taken a backseat to rip off Peter Pan, Care Bears, and whatever other children's story would be ashamed to be referenced in this. (Everyone starts holding hands, chanting "We believe in Santa Christ!") NC: (vo) So they chant his name over and over and over and just as you'd whimsically expect, it doesn't do a God-damn thing. (A dumpster lid closes and a car drives away.) Phelous: Told you it wouldn't work. NC: Okay so, returning to the plot. NC: (vo) They decided to let Linkara take control of the situation. But first, he has to put on his battle attire. (Linkara takes off his jacket, revealing a Star Trek uniform and takes off his hat, replacing it with an army helmet, changing into Linkara Patton. A flash of light appears.) NC: (shielding his eyes) Ahh, it's too geeky! It's too geeky! NC: (vo) This calls for a detour away from the plot. Linkara Patton: ...just assume that Northern Europe here is the Government House. Paw: I thought you needed dice for this. Linkara Patton: Do you? Paw: I dunno. (Everyone stares in confusion at the board.) JewWario: How DO you play this game anyway? Board James: Well guys... *Picks up box of Risk* Glad you asked. You got your deck of 56 risk cards, 3 red dice, 2 white dice, 6 sets of colored armies, and, of course, your game board because every board game has a game BOARD! Linkara Patton: Hey, that's good to know! Thanks, Board James! Board James: Well, thank YOU for the, uh... obligatory cameo. NC: Oh, it's okay. The NC has ridden your coat tails enough. NC: (vo) So they get their plan together and go after the man who never really had a plan. (Nostalgia Critic ducks out of the way with a yelp and the ball of fire misses him. He starts running away, yelling. The fireballs land behind him, causing small explosions. Linkara Patton keeps watching through his binoculars.) Linkara Patton: Critic. You magnificent bastard, I read your book! NC: Book? He can barely write a screenplay. What chance does a book have? (The others rush forward as the Critic runs another way and more fireballs hit the floor behind him. He rushes into the government house and closes the door, locking it behind him.) NC: (vo) Ahh, their using the explosions that always leaves the ground without being the least bit damaged. NC: Subtle. NC: (vo) So they nix the old plan of just beating the shit out of him in favor of the new plan of ... just beating the shit out of him. "Mrs." Vice President -Seriously, what was up with that?- tries to take the post for herself but it turns out everyone is just as greedy as the next. Well, obviously the only thing that can solve this is a biblical second coming. Suddenly, into the room walks Santa Christ! His theme song starts playing as he laughs. NC: (vo) Or an idiot in an offensive costume Santa Christ: On the third day, I rise again! In fulfillment of the awesomeness! NC: Everyone who saw that coming? (Several hands go up) Yeah. His theme song starts playing as he laughs. NC: (vo) Come on. We have enough camera whoring from Spoony already. So Santa Christ convinces them to give Mr. Baugh his land back and even forces the Nostalgia Cricket to apologize. Let's make an obscure reference to Home Alone that nobody will draw a connection to. (The team starts walking away from Molassia, but the NC stops for a moment, looking back at the government building. President Baugh opens the door and happily waves good bye to him. The NC scoffs and turns away, walking with his team again.) NC: (vo) Now if only he had really heard how bad Joe Pesci was in that movie. NC: So, any lessons learned? NC: '''No NC: Any points made? '''NC: No NC: Any reason this should've happened at all? NC: No. NC: Welcome to a complete waste of money, kids! NC: (vo) You'd probably be better off throwing it on a fire so you can inhale the fumes to make you hallucinate something better than this. Seriously, what can you say about a movie that, I guess, is supposed to be about nothing. It's like if Seinfeld had cheap explosions in it. I don't know if I'm supposed to laugh or pity the hour and a half I just lost. NC: But don't worry. Even bigger wastes of time are on their way. So, the Nostalgia Cricket's reckoning is far from over. 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